Taking Time for Yourself in a Relationship
Taking Time for Yourself in a Relationship by John Gray
We have all heard this advice before. No matter how wonderful togetherness feels in a relationship, it is still crucial for partners to take time for themselves. There is simply no way that a man or a woman can fulfill all of their partner's needs; it's just impossible to do. Too often people will give up a favorite hobby, sport or pastime in the beginning of a relationship in order to devote more time and energy to making the relationship work. But, what happens down the road when one or both partners realize that they are terribly out of balance and not taking time for themselves? Relationship stress, miscommunication, or worse: resentment and emotional pain can result.
It is healthy to have different interests. In fact, giving up our own interests and the little things that we do to nurture ourselves when a relationship starts will eventually lead to resentment down the road.
It's important for both partners to value quality relaxation time. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about spending time alone. Independence is good for both men and women, no matter how close they may be in the relationship. Typically, when one partner actively takes some alone time, their partner is encouraged to do the same.
How our differences compliment each other:
Just as men and women have different needs in a relationship, they also have different reasons for needing time to themselves. Too much togetherness usually results in partners expecting too much from each other. Women may tend to smother their mates, while men may seem cold and uncaring. It is healthy for each partner to take time out to explore his or her individual interests.
What Men Need:
Men need to periodically pull away. Remember that men are like rubber bands. It is his natural cycle to get close, pull away, and get close again. It is important for men to fulfill their need for independence. Men automatically alternate between needing intimacy and autonomy. Give a man his space and he will be a better, more attentive, partner. When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, he often experiences increased moodiness, irritability, passivity, and defensiveness.
Also, when a man is in his cave, he wants to be left alone. He is working out his problems and frustrations by either doing something alone, like reading the paper or watching TV, or doing something active with his male friends.
Most men are happy when their mates do something fun for themselves at these times. It means that she is not sitting around waiting for him to come out of the cave. He will come out ready to talk and be intimate again, and she will have curbed her frustrations by being good to herself and having some fun.
What Women Need:
It is good for a woman's self esteem to take care of herself. She can get wrapped up in taking care of her family and forget how much she needs to nurture herself. Particularly when a man is off in his cave, she can enjoy the time alone to go shopping, work in her garden, go to a class at the gym, or simply languish in the simple pleasure of soaking in a hot bath with a glass of wine.
It is especially important for a woman to cultivate relationships with other women. Women need to talk about what's happening in their lives. On Venus, this is an important part of relationship building. Since this is not the case on Mars, it is wonderful for a woman to get together with her girlfriends so that they can talk about, and listen to, each other's problems, without judgment or offering unsolicited advice.
Couples can even plan these separate times apart. For instance, Tuesday could be his poker night with the boys, and Thursday her night for dinner and a movie with her girlfriends. Both partners will not only appreciate the time to do the things that make them feel good, but will come back feeling renewed and excited to be in such a healthy, well-balanced relationship.
-- John Gray
John Gray is the author of 15 best-selling books, including Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, the number one best-selling relationship book of the last decade. In the past ten years, over 30 million Mars and Venus books have been sold in over 40 languages throughout the world. An expert in the field of communication, John Gray's focus is to help men and women understand, respect and appreciate their differences in both personal and professional relationships. To order John's new release, John Gray Live! Beyond Mars and Venus as an Individual Set (contains one DVD and one CD of the speakers' 'live' performance) at a special discount or to view and learn more about The Complete Ultimate Collection for Entrepreneurs and Sales Professionals -- including Jim Rohn, Jeffrey Gitomer, Brian Tracy, Connie Podesta and More! (10 DVD/CD package) go to http://dvdset.yoursuccessstore.com or call 877-929-0439. (c) 2006 All Rights Reserved.
The 80 / 20 Rule Explained
Like the rest of life, the "80/20" rule applies in our business: "20% of the people produce 80% of the results."
As I have said so many times over, our job is to find "motivated entrepreneurs". It is my opinion that motivation comes from within, and we cannot, nor should we, "drag people across the finish line" if they are not willing to help themselves.
I, too, have found that 80% of the people in my group have done little, if anything, to build their business or help themselves. However, the other 20% have helped me build an outstanding business while attaining all of their goals with my company. More details here
I have found that people usually fall into one of several categories:
The Procrastinators - They'll begin building their business "when they get around to it." They never find the time because they never make the time.
The Know-It-Alls - These people don't take the time to "read the instructions" (The BDS). It's beneath them to take the time to learn from those who have built successful businesses, even though the path to success is laid out for them right under their nose. They couldn't tell you the difference between a BC, SVP and GSV( terms in the business).
The Paralysis By Analysis Victims - These people are constantly in "getting ready to get ready" mode. They are always searching for that perfect "system" that will magically build their business for them. They'll never find it because it doesn't exist.
The Tryers - They say that they will "try" the business to see how they do. Their mentality gives them permission to quit at the first sign of difficulty. You don't "try" a parachute jump. You either do it, or you don't. The same is true of our business. You either do it, or you don't.
The Whiners - Constantly complaining about minor details which have no impact on their ability to succeed in Usana. "If only this were different or that were different, I know I could make money in this business." While these people are whining, there are thousands of people advancing in rank in our business every month.
Finally, there are:
Motivated Entrepreneurs - These people "get it". They know that company's products and compensation plan are unequalled in the business. They set their goals, they develop a plan to reach their goals, and they go on about their business to work their plan. They advance in their business while helping other people do the same. They make things happen while the other 80% are wondering what happened.
My advice, don't try to motivate the unmotivated. Instead use your time to find and sponsor "motivated entrepreneurs", show them how to succeed, and then get out of their way!
We are in interesting economic times.
We are in interesting economic times.
Rising fuel prices and creeping inflation have put increasing pressure on each Australian family’s budget and the recent increase in official interest rates has added to the burden of mortgage payments.
At the same time, most Australians have just received some form of tax relief in the Federal budget. However, it is unclear just exactly how these factors will balance out.In the absence of certainty, most people remain conservative and defer decisions until their household finances crystalise.
Hence, sponsoring has not been easy this past quarter.Now that the Federal budget has been released, my advice is that many Australians will soon realise that they need to look for ways to supplement their income to finance the increasingly high cost of living. People will move from their present state of indecision to a more proactive mode. They will be “looking” for an opportunity like the one you have to offer. The USANA business opportunity.
So, you need to be looking for people who are looking.Invest a little time in reading about current economic and social trends. Browse the media. Become comfortable and competent in discussing these issues with your colleagues.
Then use your knowledge and skill to engage prospects in conversation about these popular topics.
Listen for responses that indicate prospects are looking for a supplementary income earning opportunity.
Then show them what you have to offer!
Grow your USANA business by sharing the opportunity with others.
http://www.unitoday.com/hfpres/index.cfm?distid=2330683
Claude and Vicki, May 2006 Mothers day at Scarborough, Brisbane
The reality "is quite sobering," said David Hunt, a senior partner at McKinsey. "Our research clearly shows that many people — and more than a few public policymakers — who are betting on simply working longer to compensate for a lack of current savings are setting themselves up for a rude awakening and a significantly poorer standard of living in retirement than they had expected."
Ask Rolf Marsh. The computer programmer was 60 when he got a surprise tap on the shoulder from IBM Corp.
Link to complete article: Click here
Prepare for a Gruesome Retirement
By Selena Maranjian (TMF Selena) March 3, 2006
It's time for some tough love. I want you to have a comfortable retirement, doing things that you enjoy and things you've always wanted to do. That may mean dining in some fine restaurants, traveling to the Galapagos Islands to see blue-footed boobies, taking your grandchildren to Hershey, Pa., and living in a spiffy retirement community. But judging from some statistics I recently ran across, you're in danger of a retirement that instead features dining on Salisbury steak TV dinners, traveling to the Git'n'Go down the street for a bag of chips, taking your grandchildren to the Salvation Army store with you as you shop for some new clothes, and living in your grouchy daughter's damp basement.
The factsAccording to the 2005 Retirement Confidence Survey (RCS), we can be confident that many people will have gruesome retirements. Why? Here's a clue: According to a another survey, 31% of Americans would rather scrub a bathroom than plan for retirement. That's right -- if you've been putting off planning for your retirement, you're not alone.
Check out the RCS numbers below, which reflect the total savings and investments (not including the value of the primary residence) of today's workers, broken down by age groups:
Retirement Savings
All
25-34
35-44
45-54
55+
Less than $25,000
52%
70%
50%
41%
39%
$25,000-$49,999
13%
12%
15%
14%
12%
$50,000-$99,999
11%
9%
14%
13%
7%
$100,000-$249,999
12%
5%
10%
17%
23%
$250,000 or more
11%
4%
10%
16%
19%
These numbers might not seem so scary, until you think them through a little. First off, remember that the numbers above ignore Social Security. That may be just as well. I've still got at least two decades until retirement. I recently received my latest statement from the Social Security Administration. The amount I can expect to receive at my full retirement age of 67 isn't much more than my current mortgage payment. My 30-year mortgage won't be finished by the time I hit the big 6-7, and my mortgage and tax payments will likely be much higher because of rising taxes. Making matters worse is the possibility that we can't be entirely sure that Social Security will be around in much the same form in our own golden years.
Pensions? Well, darn few of us have traditional pensions anymore. Check out this snippet from an Associated Press article: "In 1985, 89% of Fortune 100 companies offered traditional pension plans, but that had fallen to 51% by 2004, according to Watson Wyatt Worldwide, a human resources consulting firm. Some 11% of the plans in the Fortune 1000 were frozen or terminated for new employees, up from 5% in 2001."
So let's rely instead on those factors that are under our control -- our savings and investments.
What the facts meanLet's say you're a typical American 40-year-old worker. According to the table, there's about a 50% chance that your savings and investments total less than $25,000. Let's be generous and assume you have $20,000 socked away. You've also got about 25 to 30 years until you retire. How will that money grow for you? Check it out -- let's assume you earn the market's average long-term return of 10%:
2006 (age 40): $20,000
2016 (age 50): $51,875
2026 (age 60): $135,550
2036 (age 70): $349,000
Now let's use some information I've gleaned from our Rule Your Retirement newsletter: In order to make your nest egg last, you should conservatively plan to withdraw about 4% of it per year in retirement, to live on. So 4% of $349,000 is almost $14,000. That's nearly $1,200 per month. Will that be enough? Well, according to an inflation calculator I checked, over the past 30 years, what cost $1 initially ended up costing about $3.75. Let's say that prices only triple over the next 30 years. If so, your $14,000 in 2036 will buy you what $4,700 will buy you today. That's less than $400 per month.
Another way to look at it is to realize that the 4% withdrawal rate should include inflation-indexed increases, so if you're taking out $14,000 in the first year and inflation that year is 3%, the next withdrawal will be 1.03 times $14,000, or $14,420. Can you see how quickly your money will get depleted this way? (Note that you can withdraw more each year. If you're taking out 5% annually over 30 years, you have roughly a 3-in-4 chance of not running out of money, but that's much less of a sure thing.)
If you want to live off the current equivalent of $50,000 per year in 30 years, you might estimate that you'll have to be able to withdraw $150,000 yearly. If that's 4% of your nest egg, it will need to be ... $3.75 million.
It's better ... and worseOf course, this is just one hypothetical example, and there are lots of other concerns that make matters both better and worse. For example:
Many of us are well past 40 and still have less than $25,000 socked away. Heck, 39% of those 55 and older are in that camp.
But remember that we can all make the situation better by investing regularly. A rule of thumb is to save and invest 10% of your income, but more is better.
Many of us will have home equity to tap, if need be, in retirement. We'll also likely be receiving at least something from Social Security, and perhaps even a little from a pension.
Keep in mind that the stock market's return over the next 10, 20, and 30 years isn't likely to match the historic average of 10%. It may well be higher -- or lower, meaning you can end up with a considerably smaller nest egg than you expected. It's similar with individual stocks. Look at Intel (Nasdaq: INTC) as an example. Between March 1996 and March 2006, its stock advanced roughly 200%. But over the decade starting three years earlier, between March 1993 and March 2003, its stock rose about 365%.
Don't assume that your stash of company stock will save you. Having too much of your financial future resting on the fate of one company is risky. If you'd acquired shares of stock in the Gap (NYSE: GPS) five years ago, for example, you'd be underwater by more than 20% today. Investors in Coca-Cola (NYSE: KO) haven't fared much better, leaving investors who've hung on for the past 10 years not much richer than when they started. This doesn't mean these companies won't ultimately surge and reward us, but if anyone was counting on them to do so by a certain time, they've likely been disappointed.
There's hope!Fortunately, all isn't lost. You needn't end up with a gruesome retirement. Here's the tough love part. If you take some action now, you can begin to set yourself up for a more comfortable retirement. So get going! Forget about scrubbing that bathroom for a while, and tend to your retirement instead. You'll thank yourself for it later.
The retirement guidance source that I refer to most often is Robert Brokamp's Rule Your Retirement newsletter. You can, and should, try it for free for a whole month. Doing so will permit you to peek at all the past issues, which feature a host of "Success Stories," profiling people who retired early and are willing to share their strategies.
Here's a sampling of some very useful articles from past issues:
In the January 2006 issue, Robert tackled real-life asset allocation.
In the May 2005 issue, readers were taught how to withdraw money prudently in retirement, in order to make it last.
The October 2005 issue delved into dividends and offered some recommended dividend payers. A free trial of the newsletter will let you see all the recommendations, but some other companies with current significant dividend yields include Altria Group (NYSE: MO) and Sara Lee (NYSE: SLE). Altria's dividend yield hovers around 4.4%, having grown an average of about 9% per year over the past decade, while Sara Lee's yield is around 4.5%, with the dividend whose annual growth averages 8% over the past decade.
The December 2005 issue covered real estate investment trusts (REITs) in detail, recommending promising investments, such as Host Marriott (NYSE: HMT).
So go ahead and grab a free trial of Rule Your Retirement -- I think you'll like what you see. And if not, you'll have lost nothing.
Here's to big profits in your future!
(Consider forwarding this article to anyone whose retirement you care about. Just click on the "Email this Page" link near the bottom of the page.)
Gap and Coca-Cola are Inside Value picks, and Gap is also a Stock Advisor pick. Sara Lee is an Income Investor pick.
Selena Maranjian's favorite discussion boards include Book Club, Eclectic Library, Television Banter, and Card & Board Games. She owns shares of Coca-Cola. For more about Selena, view her bio and her profile. You might also be interested in these books she has written or co-written: The Motley Fool Money Guide and The Motley Fool Investment Guide for Teens. The Motley Fool is Fools writing for Fools.
